Best Laid Plans
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: Seras has finally agreed to go out with Pip, and he's got the whole evening planned. Oh, it's going to be magical, romantic, enchanting... or so he thinks. But then we all know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men, don't we? :P One-shot


**Best Laid Plans**

**AN: **Story takes place in 2008- regardless of the indicated Hellsing time line. Hope you don't mind, and hey, the time line was never _firmly_ established, right?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

* * *

As Seras and Pip walked to their final destination for the night, the French merc couldn't help but feel a helpless sense of dread. He wondered just what would go wrong this time. And the worst thing was how carefully he'd structured the night's events.

It had taken months of pursuit before Seras would even be civil to him- which he understood. He knew that he wasn't exactly the type of man a good girl like her was use to. But he was trying his best to tone down on his perverted tendencies and 'player' instincts. He'd even stopped singing... inappropriate songs- well, around her at least. AND it seemed as though his effort had been noticed, for on the seventy-fifth time he'd asked her out, she'd accepted.

It had actually taken a couple of minutes for the reality of that to sink in. Pip had grown so accustomed to Seras's rejections that he'd half expected that was all he'd ever get from her. But she'd finally agreed to go out with him, and as soon as the French Merc recovered his wits, he set to crafting a romantic night that his Mignonette would never forget. Well, it had been that... though not quite in the way Pip had hoped for.

* * *

The pair's first stop was a movie theater that had just received and started playing a very popular, American made, vampire romance. Pip spent a small fortune on scalped tickets to get them into the very first British showing, and he was confident that Seras would appreciate the gesture. After all, he was showing great consideration by picking a movie so perfectly tailored to his cute, little, Draculina. At least, that was what he had thought... before the film started.

However, once it began, Pip very quickly realized that he'd made a major miscalculation in not doing better research on it. The supposed 'romance' was more befitting the mind of the people Seras had locked up- as a bobby -than anything _she_ would've chosen to see.

The male lead was controlling, abusive and showed classic signs of emotional instability and insecurity. He stalked the female lead- a mousy, little creature that seemed to embody every week or negative characteristic of the gender -and even broke into her house to watch her sleep!

During that scene, Seras actually turned to her date, her eyes narrowed as if to ask, "_this_ is _your_ idea of romance?!" In response, Pip just gulped and squirmed in his seat- hoping that he might somehow disappear within the blue fabric.

The only part of the movie that offered the two enjoyment of any kind was when the male lead led the female one into a forest and showed her the 'real' reason vampires never went out during the day. Both Seras and Pip had burst out laughing at the utter stupidity and unexpectedly comical appearance of the 'vampire' then sparkling in the sunlight*. And for this, this one momentary burst of happiness, the French merc and the _real_ Draculina found themselves pelted with popcorn, malted milk balls and gummy bears and then practically driven out of the theater by a mob of enraged, sparkly vampire loving fanatics.

The pair's next stop didn't go any better. What Pip planned to be a very close, somewhat intimate moment of him and his Mignonette snuggling under a blanket while an old fashioned, horse drawn carriage pulled them through the park, turned into something far less... cozy. And, this time, it wasn't even _his_ fault.

Pip had planned the carriage ride out perfectly. It was the middle of Autumn, and the leaves had already turned in the park. The setting was beautiful, and the steady beat of the horse's hooves would be soothing, hypnotic.

Yes, the merc had done everything in his power to insure an enchanting carriage ride through the London park, one that would cause his good girl to practically melt in his arms. However, there were somethings that Pip just couldn't predict; and one of those was the inner workings of a horse's gastrointestinal tract.

The whole ride, the creature was spewing out bursts of one of the rankest smells it had ever been either Pip or Seras's misfortune to witness; and the 'cozy' carriage ride was reduced to a hallowing experience as both the merc and young vampire attempted to squeeze their nostrils completely shut.

The two tried to stick things out for a little while- hoping that the animal's digestive issues would pass. However, that did not prove to be the case; and, about a quarter hour after the two stepped into the carriage, they decided it would be best to cut their ride short. So, they left the smelly horse behind as Pip wondered if some idiot New Yorker had been stuffing the beast full of Beefaroni*.

And so the two came to their final destination of the night; and with two strikes already against him, Pip lifted his head and preyed for a little mercy. It was a testament to Seras's kindness that she was still willing to continue their date- any of the other women Pip had known would've already 'cut and run'. And the French merc recognized this as his last chance to impress the young Draculina.

"Okay, here we are," Pip said in a faux upbeat tone the he hoped hid his near paralyzing fear that his rotten luck would hold.

"Ah... a restaurant?" Seras asked. The colorful lights were made up of oriental symbols that she didn't understand, but the look of the building and the fact that- though the windows -she could see people eating told her that Pip was indeed taking her to a restaurant. And that caused Seras to raise an eyebrow at the French Merc. What was he thinking? He had to know she couldn't eat normal, human food- her body was no longer capable of digesting it.

"A Japanese restaurant, my dear," came Pip's reply; but Seras looked just as confused as she had a moment earlier-perhaps more. So, Pip took the chance to draw up closer to the girl.

He kept his hands (and other body parts) to himself, but whispered softly into Seras's ear. "Your master told me that your... 'kind' could still eat raw meat, and the Japanese have a delicacy called-"

"Sashimi*!" Seras finished for her date, and her eyes lit up at the thought of indulging in a (reasonably) normal meal.

Pip smiled at the excited girl. It seemed that he'd finally gotten _something_ right. Now he just hoped that his prayer had been heard and the restaurant wouldn't be all out of raw fish... or suddenly catch on fire... or something.

The two entered and sat down. Pip ordered Ebi- one of the few cooked variates of Sashimi -while Seras ordered a mixed plat of Hotate-gai, Saba and Fugu. Both of them genuinely enjoyed their meals, though halfway through Pip's he temporarily excused himself.

Seras assumed it was just to go to the loo, but it was really so he could talk to the waitress in private. And as soon as Seras finished her main meal, she was surprised by a 'dessert' of raw salmon that had been arranged into the pattern of a rose. Having recently fed on fresh meat, the vampire fledgling actually managed a slight blush when she saw the fishy flower- it tasted every bit as good as it looked too.

* * *

After they left the restaurant, Pip and Seras- hand in hand -wandered around London for a little while. "So," the French merc eventually began, "why'd you stay?"

"Huh?"

"After the smelly carriage ride and that... that awful movie, why didn't you run out and go back to the mansion?"

"Oh," Seras responded and chuckled lightly. "I guess it was because I could see how hard you were trying. I mean, at first I wasn't quite sure what was going on with you; but when I saw how you reacted in the movie theater- all nervous and squirmy and what not -I knew that you were honestly _trying_ to be... um, romantic."

"And that's why you stayed?" Pip asked, sounding shocked. "It was because you saw me squirming?" he half-teased in a lighter tone.

"Ahuh." Seras nodded and then grinned at her date. "You're cute when you're all squirmy," she teased back before resting her head on his shoulder, causing Pip's lip- and toes -to curl.

The two continued wandering around the nation's capitol for a little while, and they eventually spotted a movie rental shop. Seras got an idea and led Pip inside, and there they rented all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Then, they returned to Integra's mansion.

Seras grabbed a large blanket out of one of the storage rooms and took the movies down to her basement chamber. Meanwhile, Pip retrieved his work laptop from the barracks- where Integra put up her hired mercenaries.

The Frenchman brought the laptop down to Seras's chamber and plugged it in. Then he started the first movie and- with an almost ear splitting smile -went over to join the Draculina under the thick blanket. And so- while Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley engaged in sword fighting, secret plots and high seas adventure -the French merc was finally able to cozy up with his Mignonette. And the two couldn't have been happier or more content than they were resting in each other's arms and enjoying the adventures... and antics of the roguish Captain Jack Sparrow.

* * *

*Okay, in case anyone still hasn't gotten this, the 'vampire' 'romance' Seras and Pip watched was Twilight.

*This is a reference to an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer feed Beefaroni to a "handsome cab" horse, giving the poor creature terrible gas.

*Sashimi is raw fish, like Sushi but served without the accompanying rice- which could be problematic, given vampires' relationship with seeds. :P

(Well, I've had a few people requesting a SerasxPip fic- something that I do enjoy reading, but haven't had much experience writing. So, I decided to give it a shot. I hope you guys and gals enjoyed. But either way, please let me know what you thought of this, okay? Honest feedback- negative or positive -is the only way we ever get better, right?

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


End file.
